Win-Win: A Way of Life
We live in a world very much stimulated by competition. Our view of success is usually somewhat colored by the concept that if one person is to prevail, it naturally means that another must come in second–or if one wins, the other must lose. This perspective can pervade every element of our lives, including our work, our play, our politics, our experience of spirituality, and how we relate to friends and loved ones.
A competitive approach to life has its advantages. It can provide motivation and stimulation to succeed. It can offer a framework of timing and a reason to aspire to quality. And in the world of sports and play, it can afford an enjoyable social past-time.
Yet if we consider what is behind the motivation to win, it is often the avoidance of losing and the fear of such accompanying feelings as failure and inadequacy. Too often, opportunities for cooperation are lost as the spirit of competition leaves us seeing the other person, business, spouse, country, etc. as an adversary–even as “the bad guy.” And in the process, we may lose perspective of our potential kinship and possible mutual support.
But there is another way–the Win-Win approach to life, and it is equally applicable to all arenas of life. I use it extensively in consulting with corporations and helping businesses with team-building, as well as working with couples in private practice. The principle is very simple: If we seek a win-win solution together, we will both win!
What happens in a win-win scenario is that both parties are looking out for each other’s interests as well as their own. By seeking a win-win solution to any problems, I not only am giving thought to what I want and need, but also to your needs and wants. It means we will listen deeply to each other’s perspectives and concerns knowing that to create a win-win solution, we must fully share with each other what our needs are and what winning would mean for each of us.
The win-win approach is beyond compromise; compromise, like win-lose, still assumes one must give up at least a few sacred cows. It involves careful negotiations while protective barriers are maintained. In the win-win approach, however, there is an understanding that there may be an even better solution for each of us if we work together to find it. The win-lose approach might be conceptualized as two opposing points on a straight line–there is no way around direct confrontation. The win-win paradigm can be seen as a triangle, an added dimension or point of view offering a way around the confrontation that is often higher and better than either party could have initially conceived.
The process of win-win is extremely easy and practical, yet it might even be considered spiritual, and certainly the results are miraculous. The reason is this: when there is something that is important to us, or that we are afraid of losing, we tend to position ourselves opposite anyone or anything we perceive as a threat. We become entrenched and inflexible around that position, often losing track of the real needs and purpose behind it. The very experience of opposition results in an enormous loss of insight, intuition, creativity and other resources in finding solutions and reaching goals. In the environment of win-win, those resources are released within us and within the other. That safety creates an atmosphere of listening and compassionate acceptance whereby the real needs rather than the positions can be addressed. Very often, the positions are only representative of the true needs, and when those are heard in an accepting environment, better solutions surface. Thus, with deeper understanding and the release of greater inner resources, it is almost inevitable that a win-win solution is found.
Several years ago I was directing a cooperative healthcare Center offering a variety of modalities. Our chiropractor had started his practice there, but within less than a year his success was so great that he wanted to find a larger professional space. But because it involved breaking his lease and leaving the community, he began positioning around his need, withdrawing from the group and ceasing communication. So, in one of our weekly meetings I suggested we look at the situation from a win-win perspective: What would be best for both of us?
As we shared our needs, we came to understand how much he really didn’t want to leave, and that he assumed breaking the lease was going to create bad feelings within the group. And he was certain he couldn’t find any place as nice as the one we shared. When he listened to our needs, he was surprised to learn that we had been adapting more than we really wanted to his flood of clients. The breaking of his lease was also going to leave us searching for a replacement for him at a very difficult time. As we relaxed into listening with caring to each other’s needs, our intuitions opened up. I told him about a beautiful building where another chiropractor was closing his business. He, in turn, thought of the perfect person who would not only would fit into our shared practices, but was ready to rent space just when he would be leaving. We both held the missing pieces for each other, but in our positioning, never thought of them until we entered into the win-win perspective!
So, what are the steps or techniques to creating a win-win solution? They are incredibly simple: When either party says, “Let’s find a win-win solution,” the space between parties suddenly opens up. There seems to be a natural inner knowing that a win-win solution is best for everyone. Both begin to step out of their self-absorbed positions and become interested in the other’s needs. Both begin to look “outside of the box” and think creatively. Brainstorming takes over as tensions relax, understanding increases and excitement grows. Amazingly, the act alone of suggesting a win-win solution brings about a large portion of the results.
The other essential element in the win-win approach is listening with interest. When we are not preparing our rebuttals while another is speaking, we can actually facilitate their looking to their deeper needs, which may shift their position. We can ask questions such as, “If all obstacles were removed, what would you really want?” and “What need would having it that way fulfill for you?” Only when we can understand each other fully can win-win be our reward.
The win-win perspective is not always the perfect solution, but it often is. As you become more and more adept at utilizing this approach in your daily encounters, you’ll be amazed how much more you and those around you feel like winners.
Get Healthy by De-Stressing!
Hundreds of illnesses can be traced back to stress. Stress often creeps into almost unnoticed, and increases in small enough increments that it can become a lifestyle without our even recognizing it has happened. It can affect our home, our work, our relationships, our emotions, and ultimately, our physical wellbeing. Look at any list of illnesses, and you will see that a surprising majority can be traced back to stress. Yet, a few simple principles that involve reducing stress levels can make a world of difference in our health.
Do an inventory of what’s important in your life. How much of our lives involve time and energy output that do not bring us any benefit? It is easy to fall into patterns and habits that bring no return, either for ourselves or others. I recently worked with a client whose work was creating so much stress that he was at serious risk for a heart attack. As a member of middle management, he had to constantly face literally impossible demands. His doctor had warned him several times that he needed to cut back his stress. I asked him to think seriously about whether his job or his health was more important. He finally made a happy decision to take an early retirement—and save his life in exchange for less income. He realized he didn’t need the complicated lifestyle to which he had become accustomed, and decided that if he simplified things, the lower income would in no way be an adverse choice. Review your life day by day and critically ascertain what can be weeded out—then do it!
Put self-nurturing high on your list of what IS important. Self-nurturing means down-time, when the mind is still, body is resting, and we are taking in that which gives us a sense of relaxation. Self-nurturing means less “doing” and more receiving. For some this may mean a hot bath with baking soda and essential oils such as lavender, jasmine, or basil. For others it is a week overlooking the ocean. It might mean lying on the sofa with a good book, or sitting by the fire with a cup of hot tea. As the body goes into a genuine rest state, the relaxation allows mental stress to release and physical tension to dissipate. Self-nurturing is not the same as entertainment, food, or exercise; it is a lack of stimulation whereby we can become very quiet inside and allow ourselves to let in that which can soothe, calm, and heal.
Cut out excesses that are designed to de-stress, but actually add stress. Too much food, alcohol, and drugs actually add to stress rather than reduce it. Caffeine and sugar are also definitely in this category. Often when we are stressed, especially at the end of a long work week, we want the instant gratification that these excesses give us. We are usually just wanting nurturing, and to create the inner quiet that true nurturing brings. But our fast-paced culture, advertising, and habits can lead us to want to wind down quickly by taking in substances that feel good in the moment, but actually stress our bodies and leave us bloated, hung over, or exhausted. The “high” from these “feel good” substances leads to a “crash” fairly quickly. Notice, for example, that when you have a glass of wine, the actual time of feeling high is only about ten minutes. When you eat sugar, it is less time than that. Practice leaving a little on your plate. Save half for tomorrow. Enjoy your body’s feeling of not feeling stuffed and anesthetized. Enjoy enough. A client had recently gone through surgery. She was taking a long time to heal, was having a hard time sleeping, and felt depressed. She did not notice that her drinking had escalated with her inactivity, nor did she realize that all of these problems were basically being caused by excessive alcohol. She cut back drastically and saw her life get back on course.
Exercise. A simple walk every day provides all the de-stressing most people need, but of course more vigorous exercise will increase the benefits. Stress is the normal reaction to perceived threats. Our bodies were designed to eliminate the toxins that build up during stress by “fight or flight,”—physical movement. But in today’s world, we are much more sedentary than our ancestors, and we often have to make a conscious effort to move our bodies in such a way that they are cleansed. Moving the joints and muscles, deep breathing, and sweating all clean the body of unneeded residual chemicals—those created within the body’s own chemistry as well as those we ingest. So make a commitment to regular exercise. It is the best de-stressor there is, and its free!
Fill the mind with joy and laughter. So often we encourage our stress by feeding it thoughts—including music, movies and television—that mirror our worst feelings instead of our best. Put your mind on a diet of that which is delightful, humorous, and inspiring. It is a common therapy for people with cancer to spend hours a day watching funny movies. Do what makes you laugh. Create an environment that supports happiness. A friend of mine once said, “Be happy for no reason!” Your immune system will be healthy and your life a pleasure.
Our modern world does not encourage a life without stress, but we don’t have to buy into the idea that time is limited and that we have to keep pushing ourselves. Take charge of how you allow the world to affect you. It’s your life—make it a great one.