Getting a Life

I recall the first time I heard the expression, “Get a life.” Someone threw the words over his shoulder at me as he walked away, clearly irritated at something I said. Surely I had been complaining about some unworkable part of my existence. I actually can’t remember the event that precipitated his huffy retreat, but I do recall its impact on me—which was potent. I was hurt and insulted, but also curious. At once he seemed to be saying, “Stop being such a victim,” and at the same time, “You have the power to do something about your circumstances, so do it!”

Of course, the expression is old now, but it still intrigues me. As a counselor, I often hear people saying they feel that they need to “get a life.” At once the meaning here is often that they want to know what direction to go in life, such as making career or relationship decisions, but there is also the connotation of discovering what makes them happy. And the power issue is also there: It might mean, “I know I can make these changes, but I just need to know how,” or it might imply, “I don’t know how to get in touch with the power within me to effect the changes I want.” Yet the very intent to make the changes desired is the indicator that the power is there to create them.

Our first step in getting a life is to recognize what we really want. How often we get caught up in complaining about what we don’t want without even considering, much less recognizing or focusing on, what would be an improvement. Part of becoming happy in life is being willing to take responsibility to make the changes that will lead us to that happiness. When we complain about how awful it is, we are often blaming others or circumstances and thus disempowering ourselves. We are not recognizing or accessing our ability to live our lives creatively. That is to say, we are the authors of our own experience, and it is up to us to write the story we prefer.

That is not to say that we don’t have challenges along the way. Boy, do we! However, if we examine those challenges, they are often actually stepping stones to where we would really like to go. The real question is not, “who or what is keeping us from being happy?’, but “what does make us happy?” Because, until we have clarified the answer to that in our own minds, we can waste a lot of time focusing on and engaging in the impediments to our joy. Pursuing our joy is infinitely more productive that running away from our obstacles. Consider that, if a multitude of obstacles (we might even say “excuses”) are engaging our energy, we can run in so very many different directions without spending any of our energy on what we really want to go towards. And so, identifying what we will be doing or how we will be when we do “get a life” is the first step to being there.

Now, how to know what we really want. First, it is essential to separate surface pleasures from those deeper joys that satisfy the soul. We often settle for the quick fixes that are, in fact, counterfeit. That is not to say would we should not enjoy a chocolate bar, a sumptuous feast, a glass of wine, a movie, or whatever is satisfying to the senses in moderation. But we need to be well aware that these surface satisfactions are temporary in nature, and that pursuing them instead of getting a life can have unhealthy results, even leading to addiction or otherwise distracting us from the greater goal. Interestingly, as we focus on the real thing, we are less inclined to rely on those quick fixes for our satisfaction because we are finding satisfaction on a deeper level.

So how do we strip away all the excuses, obstacles, and distractions (pleasurable or otherwise) in order to get a life in which we are installed in our satisfaction? Here are some ways:

1. Take some time to come to know what you want on a deeper level. Hanging out with pen and paper always helps to facilitate this. Consider a) the things you loved as a child, b) what makes you smile and laugh, c) hobbies and pastime to which you gravitate when you have free time, d) things you enjoy but have put aside because of someone else’s judgments, e) your greatest dreams and aspirations.
2. Look at those things which you consider obstacles to your happiness. Ask yourself two things: a) Am I using these things as excuses, and if so, why? b) Is there something about these things that I’m calling obstacles that I actually enjoy or prefer to have in my life, and if so, why am I thinking of them as obstacles? c) Assuming we do have the power to create in our lives, how can I take the reality (or non-reality) of these obstacles into account as I go forth in my chosen creation? Sometimes, if we look closely at our current situation, we may find it much more to our liking than we had assumed, and that it actually only requires minor adjustments, not major upheavals. Other times it is only our angle of focus that needs adjustment—being grateful for the good stuff instead of focusing on the not-so-good stuff. But whatever the magnitude or quality may be, be sure that you are and can be the author of an upgrade.
3. Make a game plan for creating what will make you happy. Actually spend time in visualizing yourself where you want to be—like five minutes a day. As you focus on what you like, you become attracted to and connected to it as a matter of course. This is a natural law. Avoid limiting thinking such as there is only one way to have it, or that you can’t have it because of some obligation or responsibility. Once you get creative, there are an infinite number of ways to create.
4. Practice being happy for no reason. That is, once being happy is a lifestyle, you will be drawn to things that make you happy. Let the life you are going to get begin now, by creating an inner life of joy. Then the outer circumstances will start falling into place.