Divorce Therapy           

Divorce therapy? Are you kidding? You’re finally getting that fool out of your life and now someone’s suggesting you do psychotherapy together? Now, what good would that do–rehashing all the stuff you could never work out? Sounds pretty unpleasant, doesn’t it?

But let’s consider this a little further. What are the alternatives? Perhaps they include leaving years of commitment together with anger and hurt as the predominant memories. Perhaps they involve feelings of confusion about what went wrong and how it could be avoided in the future, or even worse, the delusion that getting rid of that person gets rid of the issues. And they may result in losing connection forever with someone who has been a best friend for many years.

In addition, if there are children, there is the damage that they suffer, and the almost inevitable use, however unintentional, of the kids as emotional buffers against your “X.” And, not the least, if lawyers are involved in the proceedings, even with mediation, the basic stance tends to be adversarial, which can often escalate and magnify the differences, the drama, the cost, and the pain of separation.

What are the alternatives? Is it possible to leave a marriage and consider it a positive experience? Is there a way that both partners can seek out win-win solutions to their separation? Can one-time friends rediscover that friendship enough to part as friends? Can two people discover a way to honor the different directions in which they have grown and celebrate the good experiences they have shared? Can divorcing parents learn to model appreciation and respect for the other parent so that the children can grow up with their own self-esteem and an ability to have positive relationships?

Interestingly enough, divorce therapy can make an enormous difference in how a separation occurs. And, it is often the most economical approach available. Rather than investing huge amounts of money in legal fees and in escalating positioning over the details of who gets what, and what was whose fault, couples can actually save money by seeking out a win-win solution–one that benefits each to a much greater extent than an adversarial approach possibly could. Plus, when the parents do their homework, the children are less likely to need years of expensive therapy.

Divorce counseling allows couples to exit from a marriage with gratitude, with understanding, with self-respect and with a recognition for the benefits and growth that came from the marriage. It allows creative endings, and helps to avoid tearing apart every friendship and relationship that might be caught in the wake of a negative ending.

And the timing of a divorce could be the most beneficial opportunity for therapy in one’s life. Because of the intensity of the divorce situation, both individual’s issues are more on the surface than at almost any other time, and thus are extremely accessible for healing! Plus, by coming into therapy together, there is the added advantage of working on issues together with someone who probably knows you better than anyone else in the world. If mutual respect and a willingness to work on the self are maintained by both, the period during a break-up is unique in providing insight and potential healing. For a couple that is considering or has decided upon divorce, there could be no more efficient and beneficial time to share in therapy.

Here are some perspectives that will help you find the win-win perspective in divorce:

Seek a win-win solution. Most battles assume a win-lose perspective: I have to win and the other person has to lose—or else I’ll lose. Imagine, instead, seeking solutions that are for both individuals’ highest good! The main technique for finding win-win solutions is to keep affirming that one is available, and to keep looking for it. The seeking itself keeps options open and helps both parties stay in a solution-oriented stance.

Avoid blame of yourself or the other. Ask yourself, “How did I participate in creating this ending?” Ask yourself if you are being responsible to your own needs and boundaries, or if you are expecting your spouse to do that instead of you. Use this time for introspection and growth. It is a known fact that couples who separate without “doing the homework” tend to engage in virtually the same dynamics in the next relationship, ultimately asking themselves “Why does this keep happening to me?” So seek to understand the bigger picture rather than armor yourself with blame.

Remember that we are in an age of great growth–and this growth may require that two people go in different directions. Seek to discover the ways you have both gained from the relationship. Seek to discover the new directions you are choosing for yourself by parting. Look for the ways in which you have both done your best, regardless of outcome. Seek to see each person’s motives as ultimately bringing about a more advanced expression of life for both of you.

Seek the highest possible solution for all concerned. Ultimately, we live here on this planet to learn to love. Relationships are the greatest opportunity and challenge to our evolution. An ending relationship offers even more chance to move on in a way that everyone benefits. Keep seeing the win-win for everyone, even if your soon-to-be “X” does not want to cooperate. If you hold the vision for the greatest good for all concerned, and bring in your own spiritual side which would seek to surrender to your Higher Power, ultimately you can do nothing but bring the entire situation into a win-win perspective.

Get support and don’t isolate. If you don’t seek therapy, be sure the support you get isn’t just going to support your sense of being a victim. Talk to a mature adult who will listen and reflect your emotions concerning the separation going on. Even a crisis hot-line can be beneficial. If you isolate yourself, it is too easy to get caught in the negative emotions that surround your struggle, or even worse, to use your children as emotional sounding boards. If at all possible, undertake divorce therapy, preferably together, but alone if necessary. This will help you to use the issues that are uniquely available at this time in order to catapult you into a new and better life.

One thing we can count on in this life is change. But we don’t have to allow it to tear our world apart. How often do we look back on difficulties and challenges in our lives and recognize them as blessings in disguise? Why not start looking sooner rather than later? Why not seek out the ways to create the greatest benefit for everyone from the situation at hand? And the easiest and quickest step toward that end is simply deciding that such a win-win approach will be so.