Becoming Unflappable

We have great admiration for those who keep their cool. From movie stars to politicians, from friends to co-workers, from parents to kids, we prefer those who are unflustered in the face of challenge. And, often our own self-esteem is also connected to our own ability to stay level headed.

I like to think of this quality as being unflappable. Synonyms for “unflappable” are (according to the Microsoft Word list): composed, calm, unflustered, cool, collected, imperturbable, level headed, and cool as a cucumber. What characteristics help us to feel calm in all situations? And, what can we do to become imperturbable, both in our own experience in life and as others see us?

First, it’s probably important to start with the disclaimer that unflappability isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be. While looking cool can be impressive to others (as well as to ourselves), it is not necessarily an indication of our inner condition. True inner calm is the greatest prize—and we’ll get to that shortly—but it is not synonymous with presenting a composed exterior. Sometime appearing composed can be a cover-up for a multitude of inner states, some of which may wreck great havoc in the long run.

Some examples of counterfeit composure are denial, emotional distancing, and lack of empathy or compassion. While these may overlap, it is valuable to recognize how each of these are not the same as being genuinely calm. For example, denial allows us to simply invent a version of reality that is more comfortable than what is actually occurring so that we do not have to deal with what is before us. In emotional distancing, we disconnect from a part of our feeling functions. This numbing may be effective in the face of both physical and emotional challenges, but since it occurs on the emotional level, it has repercussions in the physical body as muscles and parts of our nervous systems are tightened, made rigid, and shut down.

Lack of empathy or compassion occurs when we ignore another’s perspective or point of view, and consequently their feelings as well. We may look composed when we are actually being judgmental and using this judgment to create distance, keeping ourselves safe from the feelings that might arise if we were to enter into relationship with others. While each of these means of maintaining composure can be effective in the moment, they tend to create relationship issues and health issues over time.

Of course, the utilization of these counterfeit measures is most common amongst humans, and  while these methods lack real clarity and honesty, they have allowed us to prevail in innumerable physical, emotional and mental challenges. In their extreme, in the form of shock, they even allow us to survive in the face of what is literally unbearable stress. And so, we cannot be faulted for our various attempts at staying unmoved in the face of a storm. But the question remains, how can we become—or practice becoming—truly calm within in all circumstances? Here are three keys:

1. 1. Recognize that we are not in control. That’s interesting; one would think that remaining unflappable would entail staying in control. But, trying to stay in control is a function of the counterfeit composure we addressed above. In fact, real composure starts with knowing that we are not in control. It’s the old serenity prayer in action: changing what we can, not trying to change what we can’t, and knowing the difference between the two. Even more central is knowing that our Higher Power, or God as we understand Him, is in control. This means that in all situations, no matter how challenging they may be, we remember that there is a greater and higher plan than any we could conceive.

Thus, built into this perspective is the understanding that however we are judging, perceiving or interpreting all challenges is only from our own limited perspective, and therefore inherently potentially erroneous. Each time we succumb to upset and worry, we are forgetting the essential truth that all is being managed on a Divine level down to the most minute detail. Unflappability is remembering that each and every potential irritant in our lives is probably a blessing if we just stay calm and wait for it to play out. To live in this trust of the Greater Plan rather than trying to force things to fall into our own limited view of how life should be is to live a life of imperturbability.

2. Stay in touch with feelings. At times of stress, we often try not to feel our emotions. We may feel anxiety, fear, frustration, and many other emotions coursing through our systems at the same time. The mixture of internal feelings and whatever is going on externally can be overwhelming. We tend to want to just shut it all down so we can force things to go back to normal. But, the effort of trying to control our emotions and keep them from showing takes a great deal of energy—energy that could be better utilized creating solutions.

Instead, by breathing into the emotions and acknowledging them to ourselves (and even to others) we stay more in touch with ourselves. The breathing not only helps to relax us, but it allows us to process the emotions more quickly. At the same time we are able to be more genuine and honest in our interactions. When we are willing to be who we are, and when we trust our own inner alignment, the result is a natural, rather than forced, state of composure.

3. Seek out a broader perspective. This is a corollary to both number 1 and number 2. We can avoid being reactive if, when faced with difficulties and potential stress, we take the attitude of the detective. Gather facts, get information, and take in the situation, rather than jumping to conclusions and making judgments. It is easier to stay calm when we recall that we inherently, as human beings, are missing information. Whether that information is the solution to a problem, another person’s perspective, or simply additional data, asking questions and listening can both help both ourselves and others stay relaxed. Sometimes it is valuable to ask ourselves how God might see this situation. If we intentionally take an objective perspective, we change roles from being the reactor to the being facilitator.

Of course these three seemingly simple steps aren’t going to change our emotional states over night. It takes time. Becoming unflappable is a process, something we could probably practice for the rest of our lives. But it’s a worthy goal—a gift of calmness and composure that benefits ourselves and all those around us.