Saying Farewell

Endings are an element of life. We start life by ending our nine months in the warmth and protection of our mother’s womb. For most, childhood introduces us to many kinds of endings—pets get lost, grandparents pass away, parents get divorced, and we lose our unique position in the family when other children are born. Elementary school ends, junior high ends, high school ends, college ends. Relationships come to a close, jobs are terminated or we move on, children grow up, family members pass away. It is a continuous cycle of change that we constantly face.

But how do we face it? What do we do with endings? Although endings are an integral part of life, we often resist them in different ways. The emotions involved in endings can be painful, and we may not know how to deal with them. There is not only the grieving of the loss itself, but the fears around how our lives will be changed and how we will manage with those changes.

Sometimes the things we do to make endings easier actually make them harder. A woman I once knew said she would “dead” people who were for some reason exiting from her life. By that she meant that in her mind she would imagine they were dead, or, that they had never existed. It was her way of dealing with the pain of separation. The problem was, she could never let them in again.

I knew a man who was angry at his loved ones who were gone. His anger was a way to avoid his sadness and grief; it was a more surface emotion that allowed him to be more comfortable with the distance. But as the years passed, he got angrier and more isolated as endings occurred. Another woman who took off for a vacation while her husband was having heart surgery, was able to distract herself from facing the trauma he was dealing with—but he felt abandoned, and their relationship was strained in the process. Shutting down emotions, isolating, abandoning before we are abandoned, distracting ourselves—these are ways we sometime deal with loss. But there are ways to say farewell that are easier on everyone involved. We, can, in fact, create positive and beneficial experiences out of the endings we must face.

I learned this from my family’s experience when my father passed away. Our family happened onto a wonderful way to say goodbye. Dad was in a coma for three days. But we were lucky in that he was in a hospital that allowed us to kind of camp out and be with him. We also realized that we had some level of communication with him. When things were said that he didn’t like—such as discussion of his impending death—there would be a very slight frown, and the blood pressure monitor would start going up. At other times that were especially touching, such as when my niece read a story she had written about them gardening together, the monitor also indicated a more moderate increase in blood pressure, and he would have a faint smile on his lips.

It was hard to let him go. He’d been the traditional patriarch—kind of hard on all of us, but very loving. Shortly into our time in the hospital, my mother started crying. We gathered around and hugged her—and just let her cry. Later I cried, and all did the same. Another time my brother cried—and so it was with each of us, on and off, just letting the tears flow with loving arms around us. No one said, “Don’t cry; you must be strong.” or such admonitions to shut down the feelings that would surface from time to time. We were just there for each other, accepting the feelings and allowing them to flow through. Shortly before Dad passed away a nurse came into the room and said, “There’s so much love in this room! What could you be doing to make that happen?” I answered, “We’re not making it happen; we’re just allowing it to happen. We’re just accepting.”

And thus we all discovered the first key to good endings—allowing our feelings to be there rather than avoid them. We didn’t try to knock each other out with the grieving, nor did we try to hide it. We all just allowed it when it came up, and loved each other through it. Thus there was no build-up of stuffed feelings when the ending finally came. Our hearts were open and we were ready. Which brought us to discovering the second key—saying farewell.

Farewell. Fare thee well. May you fare well in your journey. Good bye. Bon Voyage.Vaya con Dios. Go with God. I wish you well on your journey. I will miss you sorely and I hope your travels are wonderful. When my Dad passed on, my mother and I found ourselves singing the hymn “Joyful, joyful, we adore Thee…” Mixed with the sadness, there was also a sense of happiness—almost excitement—for my father, as we knew he was freed from a body in pain, and now released to something wonderful beyond our seeing.

The messages of good endings are always ones which wish another well in the separation. To wish that another fare well is to send our love with them. Even though we may not want to part, it is a gift to let go and allow the other person to exit, free from our clinging or need that they stay. This does not mean we aren’t sad or that we don’t cry; but rather, that we are willing to face our own feelings about it and at the same time we are supportive of their choice to go. By giving the gift of letting go, we can keep that person in our hearts. It is love that sacrifices what we want for what is best for another.

Whether the parting is in life or in death, it is love that wants the highest good for another person and thus wishes that they are fulfilled. We cannot ever really know what is best or right for another, but what we can do is send them off with our very best wishes. And so, with our hearty “farewell,” our love travels with them, gives them strength in their journey, and keeps the connection there for when we meet again.