How to Have a Good Argument

Show me a couple that never argues, and I’ll show you two people who do not deal with their issues. Show me a couple that keeps arguing about the same thing, and I’ll show you another two people who do not deal with their issues.

The good news is: arguing can be healthy and normal, and we can learn to argue in a way in which everyone can win.

We tend to think of arguing as a negative thing. It is not unusual to fear conflict, to avoid arguments, and to feel ashamed if we engage in one.

But constructive arguments are the sign of a healthy relationship.

That is NOT to say that dumping all of our negative emotions on someone else is healthy. It IS to say that a loving relationship includes the willingness to share emotions in a non-blaming manner, the ability to communicate about differences, and the experience of safety in allowing issues to come to the surface and be dealt with.

So how can you tell what is a constructive argument and what isn’t? Here are some guidelines for moving from disagreement and distance to understanding and intimacy.

1. Be in touch with yourself first. When we stop and breathe into whatever emotions we are feeling, we are honoring ourselves and our position, which is an essential first step in relating to another person. When we feel solid within ourselves, we do not feel threatened by another person. On the other hand, if we do not take the time to feel ourselves, if we are in denial or if we numb our feelings, we will tend displace the energy of our hurt or anger onto another person, blaming or assuming that person is wrong, and entirely missing our own part in creating a disagreement.

When we attune to ourselves first, it helps us to sort what is our issue and what is the other person’s, and then to put our first attention into healing our part of any problem that exists. When we feel solid and honoring of ourselves, we are not afraid of looking at our own mistakes, and we can also be more accepting of the other person. A base of self-esteem allows us compassion for both ourselves and those we love.

2. Seek to always take responsibility for your own emotions. This means learning to feel your feelings. So often we have learned that negative emotions are wrong or bad. But they are not. They are our body’s way of helping to protect us, and they ultimately lead us to intuition, our greatest personal resource. When we pay attention to our emotions and allow ourselves to feel them, they automatically bring to the surface the beliefs behind the emotions. Once those beliefs have come up to our conscious mind, we are enabled to sort them, and determine which ones are appropriate to the moment and which ones are from old habits and patterns and are not applicable to the current situation. To ignore our emotions is to almost guarantee an escalation in an argument. To take a moment and feel helps us into that place of vulnerability and humility where defenses are down and hearts can connect–real person to real person. Then, we can tell the other person how we feel instead of projecting those feelings onto the other.
3. Listen carefully to the other person. If we have attuned to ourselves and been willing to take responsibility for our own emotions and thoughts, it is much easier to hear our loved ones. By honoring ourselves, even if we know we have made mistakes, we create a strong base of self-esteem within ourselves, and thus do not feel threatened when another person says things that we may not want to hear. BREATHE DEEPLY when it is hard to listen. Keep yourself from shutting down by staying present, staying in touch with your love for yourself and your love for the other.

If you are experiencing what you are hearing as criticism, remember that some of it is useful feedback for you and some is that other person’s issues. Allow yourself to take in the information without reaction, so that you can sort it out later. Repeat back to the other person what you have heard to make sure you’ve heard it correctly. Probably eighty percept of arguments occur when two people incorrectly interpret words and actions of the other differently from how they were intended.

If what you are hearing sounds like the other person’s issues, find out what kind of support that person would like. Discover your place of compassion and understanding. But be careful of the common trap–thinking that its always the other person’s fault.

4. Share your truth with compassion. Again, keep breathing. When you give your point of view or opinion when there is a disagreement, be sure it is clear. Share honestly how you interpret the other’s behavior or words—but be sure you state that it is your interpretation! In other words, use “I statements.” If you have so much hurt or anger in you that you cannot argue constructively, then go into another room and jump up and down or punch pillows until you have released enough intensity so that you can remain kind even while you are disagreeing. Then, deep breath, and discover words that are both honest and caring.
5. Keep a win-win intention in any disagreement! Do not allow an argument to deteriorate into mud-slinging. Keep affirming to yourself and to the other: “We can find a way to understand each other; we can find a solution.” Continue the process of listening and sharing until true intimacy has been reached. Intimacy is the result of deep communication, even when there is no agreement, for each party feels heard, and solutions that are best for all concerned can ultimately be achieved.
6. Remember that the other person is YOUR CHOSEN REFLECTION. We all have a natural tendency to choose relationships that at times feel supportive, and other times are a challenge to our egos. It is important to express our gratitude for the support, and at the same time, be willing to look at the ways in which the relationship brings up our issues. Check within yourself and see if you can sit and listen to someone else tell you what is difficult about your behavior. Are you able to ponder what fits and doesn’t fit, or do you shut out the feedback by running away or retaliating? Are you able to truly consider something you don’t want to hear about yourself? In a mature relationship, both individuals allow themselves to hear feedback, and both individuals feel the freedom to share their concerns in a kind way.

Relationships where there is no arguing tend to be relationships where one or both of the persons involved are harboring unexpressed emotions. Most of these emotions may be from childhood or from past trauma, but, then, this is simply “the human condition.” We all have baggage. If we bottle it up inside and isolate ourselves emotionally, those emotions will either become imbedded in our physical bodies and manifest as disease, or they will “leak out” in ways we cannot see because of our denial, and become a burden to be carried by another person. To some extent, we all experience this as children, but where does the buck stop? Developing the ability to communicate about differences and to argue in a constructive rather than destructive manner is not only our responsibility for our own healing, but also our responsibility to those we love.

Set an intention for yourself that your disagreements will be clear and loving. See if the others around you would like to set the same intention. If possible, create strategies and agreements with each other. Get counseling help if that will help facilitate the results you want! Whether others choose to make agreements with you or not, you can still hold to the idea for win-win for everyone involved. This alone can set the stage for finding understanding and mutual support. There is power in willingness to be vulnerable with each other, and it is the ONLY true door to intimacy. Shutting out and shutting down eventually ends true relationship, even if people continue to occupy the same space. Accepting ourselves and others with all of our attendant errors and feelings empowers a relationship that continues to grow, expand, and become closer.