Giving and Receiving

Ah, November. It’s the time when we know for sure–in case there may have been any lingering doubts–that winter is settling in. As we bundle up and kick through the leaves, we become aware of the holidays coming up. It’s a time of giving, of receiving, of sharing, of thanking, and also, of all of the thoughts and feelings that surface in the face of those lofty ideals

Many of our highest aspirations as human beings are magnified around this traditional time of family and spirituality. It brings out the joy of sharing and of gratitude. In fact, most of us would like to be even more loving, generous, and grateful–and surely the focus of the season helps to further bring those characteristics out in us. Yet the very magnification of those ideals can sometimes have the opposite effect, and only serve to make us more aware of where we experience ourselves as lacking.

If we are honest with ourselves, we will recognize that it is perfectly normal that there are parts within each of us which look to the holiday season with some trepidation–about over-giving or feeling our giving is insufficient, about being lonely or being overwhelmed with too many people around us, about not having or receiving that which we need or want. When these thoughts arise, giving becomes more difficult and gratitude fades.

So how can we keep the joys of giving and receiving unfettered by all of these complicated opposites? It is important to recognize that giving and receiving are cyclical. Giving gives to the receiver, but often more to the giver. It allows the giver to step out of the ego-centric perspective and merge with another, which provides a great sense of freedom and oneness within. On the other hand, receiving what is given also gives back to the giver when the receiver steps out of the ego-centric position by giving gratitude and recognition to the giver. Thus, when performed from a sense of love, or with a mind to feeling the needs and desires of another, both giving and receiving can both be essentially spiritual acts.

Ah, but how to enjoy the benefits of such uncomplicated giving and receiving? Here are some ideas:

First, say thank you often. It helps you let in what you have received, and it is a way of giving back to the giver. The more you express your gratitude, the more you will experience the gifts of life.
Simplify your giving and let it be from the heart. Perhaps make gifts smaller and more meaningful. For example, perhaps make Thanksgiving into a pot-luck and find the joy of community rather than creating a large production (unless, of course, you receive great joy from creating a large function.) Take the stress out of escalating giving expectations and make some agreements with close ones to avoid big and complicated giving schemes.
When planning your giving, give thought to it well in advance. Ponder it while driving, for example, or wander the stores for inspirations. Tune in to the needs and desires of those you care about. Altogether avoid those last minute obligatory shopping trips.
Give thanks often–to God, to your friends and family, and also, to the good and wise parts of yourself which may have done you a good turn now and then. Practice daily acknowledging and taking joy in the simple gifts of life.
Don’t forget to give to yourself. It is often when we get lost in overdoing or overextending ourselves that we start to feel deprived, left out, and lonely. Avoid this pitfalls of giving too much by checking in with yourself from time to time, and make adjustments as needed. Interestingly, for all of our good intentions, others are usually not at all grateful when we’ve burned ourselves out on their behalf. In fact, they tend to feel guilty, angry and resentful. We, in the meantime, have lost our inner resources and thus tend to become energetic takers instead of givers–not what we had intended. So find the balance between not giving at all and giving too much. Take care of yourself along the way.
Lower your expectations of this season. The media constantly bombard us with pictures of perfect families, ecstatic parties, overwhelmingly wonderful good times. But don’t forget that their purpose is to sell. These images raises our expectations of how things should be, and when our experience doesn’t match those “perfect” images, we can feel disappointed. So sit back and relax, and take things as they come. Become more of an observer and decide to enjoy the simple interactions and pleasures of the season.
Cut back the alcohol intake instead of increasing it. Drinking more this time of year is just a part of getting caught in those expectations instead of enjoying what is. We all know that more partying in the moment leaves us less charitable in the end. Even though we are trying to up the happiness level, we are actually lessening it in the long run. So make the decision to up the happiness level in other ways–ones which draw more on that genuine loving and caring that you enjoy sharing with others.
When you feel lost in the hubbub, take a little time to do the traditional “counting your blessings.” No, really–sit down with pen and paper and make a list of everything that you can think of which you have received–large and small, from those close and distant. Make it with colored pens and fancy writing. Now take the list and post it somewhere where you can see it often–in the hall as you pass by, or by the sink as you are washing. The more we experience gratitude, the better we feel.
One more thing: make a “blessings in disguise” list. Think back over the things you thought you wouldn’t like–those situations which seemed to create problems or pain–and that turned out for the best. Study this list well and try to remember it in times when things aren’t going the way you want. This can really help us to have faith in times of trial, and it also helps us look in advance for the benefits that might come from potentially trying situations. Once again, it raises our gratitude level, and hence the good feelings that go along with feeling thankful.

What a wonderful time of giving and receiving this season can be! Don’t forget what it’s all about. Take it slow, enjoy it, and stay in your heart.